it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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