i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
