I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
