I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
