What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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