I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
