I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
