There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
