so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
