Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
