we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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