Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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