Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
