there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize