yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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