Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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