You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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