he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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