Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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