Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
