before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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