you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
