I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
