i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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