I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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