capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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