Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
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