i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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