Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
