I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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