The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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