Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
