My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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