I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize