So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
