hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Farmville is her only friend.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
