Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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