You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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