I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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