i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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