dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Watching her eat just hurts me
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
