if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
