I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
