Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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