If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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