Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
