This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
