have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
