a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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