I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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