Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
