I faked an abortion last night.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
