Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I intend to get homeless drunk
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize