I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
