No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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