Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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