I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
