took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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