I will die if light touches me.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You took a bar mat shot.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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