my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
