Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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